On Seeing Stars: Connecting in a Neurodiverse Universe
Sometimes I wonder if anyone else feels this particular kind of loneliness- the kind where you're bursting with thoughts and ideas that seem to exist in a frequency others can't quite tune into. It's like having a head full of constellations and searching for people who want to stargaze with you.
When Your Mind Holds Galaxies
Let me tell you something I learned recently that made so much sense: When we dive deep into our interests as autistic people, it's not just us being "too intense" or "obsessive." Research shows that this deep dive actually helps regulate our nervous systems. These interests aren't just hobbies. They're how our brains find balance in a world that often feels too loud, too bright, too fast.
Our interests help us by:
Calming our overwhelmed nervous systems
Organizing our thoughts when everything feels chaotic
Giving us a sense of control and understanding
Creating a safe space in an often overwhelming world
Think about it - when everything feels like too much, don't you find yourself turning to that one thing that makes the world make sense? That topic where every new detail feels like finding another piece of yourself?
That's your brain doing exactly what it needs to do to feel okay.
The Space Between Stars
But here's the complicated part - sometimes this way of being can feel isolating. When you can see every fascinating detail of something, when you can map all its connections to a dozen other things, it can feel like being the only person with a telescope at a stargazing party: You can see entire galaxies, but not everyone wants to look through the lens.
This distance shows up in many ways:
When you want to share every exciting detail but see eyes glazing over
When your pattern-recognition spots connections others miss
When your need for depth meets others' preference for breadth
When your version of connection feels different from the norm
Finding Our Constellation
Here's what I've learned about connection across the neurotypes: It's not about anyone changing their frequency.
It's about creating enough safety that we can all be honest about what we need.
Real connection looks like:
Being able to share our deep interests without apology
Having the safety to say "I need to dive deep right now"
Others feeling equally safe to say "I'm here for you, and right now I need something different"
Understanding that different needs aren't rejections
Knowing we don't have to dim our light to be loved
The Dance of Different Minds
To my fellow deep divers: Never apologize for your intensity. Your need to explore every detail isn't wrong - it's how your mind thrives. Don't mask it. Find people who understand this is simply who you are, as you understand them.
And to those who love a deep diver: When we share our passions, we're showing you how our minds find peace. You don't need to see all the stars we see. We navigate the same sky differently, and that's where the beauty lies - in understanding each other's unique way of seeing the world.
What helps bridge understanding across neurotypes:
Recognizing that our deep interests are how we regulate
Accepting that different minds need different things
Creating space for honest communication about needs
Celebrating the unique ways we each see the world
Understanding that all neurotypes need to adjust and accommodate each other
Knowing that true connection means meeting each other where we are
Creating Space for All Kinds of Minds
Imagine what would happen if we took this understanding into every space - our homes, our friendships, our workplaces. What if we stopped trying to make everyone think the same way and started creating places where different kinds of minds could bring their whole selves?
This might mean:
Normalizing different ways of processing information
Making room for both deep dives and casual connections
Allowing enthusiasm about interests to be freely expressed
Understanding that innovation often comes from these different perspectives
A Note of Recognition
To everyone who's ever felt alone in their depth: There are others out here, seeing patterns in the stars, finding meaning in the details, feeling everything fully. I understand. I see you. And your way of being in the world isn't just valid - it's necessary.
Keep diving deep. Keep noticing everything. Keep sharing your view of the stars with those who want to see. The right people won't ask you to dim your light - they'll just be honest about what they need, too.
And….maybe that's what connection really is - not everyone seeing the same stars, but everyone being honest about what they see.
For all the minds that hold galaxies - your depth isn't too much.
It's exactly what this world needs.
References:
1. Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). 'I never realized everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people': A thematic analysis of autistic adults' relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family. Autism, 24(6), 1438-1448.
2. Webster, G., & Blanchard, A. (Hosts). (2023, June 15). Special Interests as Self Regulation. In The Neurodivergent Woman Podcast.
*Note: This piece was crafted with inspiration from research and lived experiences. For more detailed information about autism, special interests, and nervous system regulation, please consult additional academic sources and autistic voices.*
